My crises probably started last year already but of course i was not really aware of it. The year started with my dad passing away and a huge chapter of my life was supposed to have been closed by his passing. As a child growing up in a violent, abusive home fraught with fear and poverty, the thing I wanted most out of my life was to get away from it all and most of all , I wanted to get away from him. Years went by and as I grew up, I became more empowered and I could see the bigger picture and was able to let go of all resistance around my relationship with my father. I thought that my mom, who suffered 54 years of pain and abuse will now finally be free to live a life of freedom and peace and I think all of her children were living in the hope that she would finally be liberated from the prison she was in for so long. I had championed my mom for all my life, I saw her suffering and did everything I could to make her life more bearable and would go to the ends of the earth to spare her any more pain than she already endured. But I think I was the most surprised when , after the funeral and after a family argument involving my eldest brother, I found myself resenting her. I saw a different side to it all and my world was turned upside down – i no longer felt comfortable around her and I became angry at the life she made us live. Instead of seeing her as a brave woman who endured for the sake of her children, i saw a selfish , cowardly disempowered woman , who chose to stay in a marriage at the cost of her children, who had to suffer and endure violence and fear on a daily basis. With the help of a dear friend I was able to let go enough to fly back to Africa and take my mom to her family and friends she had not seen in 54 years . She attended her school reunion and at age 76, she had one of the happiest experiences of her life. This was in May and I returned to Australia feeling that I could make total peace with the past. Three months later she was dead and I was left bereft and devastated – the unfairness of it all and working through my own conflict with my mom , left me unsettled and unanchored in life. I felt that my whole life no longer made sense but for the sake of my children I found ways to be at peace . Then the thing happened and I realised how easily someone like me, who is a teacher of the law of attraction and creating your own reality, can falter and slip into a default mode , leaving me at the mercy of unchartered negative vibrations.
A few weeks ago, I received all my mothers personal belongings from Africa including all the letters we as kids had written to her and to one another , photos and mementos that she kept over the years. I started reading them and the content was such that it took me straight back into the darkest moments of my life. I read letters written by my sister , who passed away at the young age of 22, after having run away from home, pregnant and alone and who suffered deeply when she, a single mom in a strange country (she fled from Namibia to South Africa) had to give up her dearest possession. She never really recovered from it and her letters were filled with pain and longing for her son. As I read these letters , it felt as if i was back in the past, in Okahandja and the rage and helplessness against my dad rose like a storm inside of me – soon my peace around him was forgotten and fresher now was the past, invading the presence with its overwhelming sense of hate – I relived all the pain and misery of all of us through these letters , some written by my younger sister at age 6, some by my older sister just before she died. Things I had put to rest were reawakened and fuelled with the innocent words screaming for help, I was pulled into a current of emotions that felt deep hurt and pain. I saw those children, helpless against a father whom they feared as much as they hated him and now the years that followed and the man who tried to make up for it was totally forgotten – gone was the old man who loved his grandchildren with such unconditional gentleness , gone was the man who acknowledged me and told me how proud he was of my achievement as was there for me in my hour of need when I divorced 6 years ago, promising he will be there if I ever need him. I could not see this man at all and the current of emotions flooded me into a dark abyss of pure hatred and rage.It was at during this time that I slipped on a wet floor , almost damaging my back, Max hurt his tendon and had to have an expensive operation, more bad news came on a daily basis from Africa and I started feeling sick to my stomach every morning waking up. Luckily I was able to find vibrational alignment and be genuinely able to compartmentalize my work – it felt like a different world , but as soon as the last patient left, my toxic mind addictively found its way back to the darkness. It reached a crescendo and I started feeling so bad and uncomfortable that I had to pay attention to what I was doing – but it was not easy – when we find ourselves in the toxic thought lane, it is like an addiction – more wants more and I needed company for my misery.
But then last Sunday I woke up and I realised what I was doing and that if I did not stop and turn direction, I would be in very deep trouble. I then decided to DELIBERATELY CREATE a new reality by shifting my thoughts and started the 30 DAY VIBRATIONAL CLEAN UP.
So this is how it goes –
- Every morning before you get up even if you feel anxious, tense and afraid and cannot breathe properly because of the tight knot of dread in the pit of your stomach , you tell yourself that you have to do this for yourself – you have no other choice than to go against everything your mind wants you to do. This is the time when you dig deep, getting out of your mind comfort zone.
- You take 5 minutes to find one or several better feeling things to think about – think about your cat, dog or listen to the birds outside – whatever it takes but move your attention away from dark thoughts however hard it might be at first. I sometimes do the 5x table and count the different shades of Green outside to take my thoughts away from what I so desperately want to do – when I am in the low vibration mode, i feel compelled to think about my problems, my issues over and over again and then I focus on what is wrong in my life and I worry about the future (that has not happened yet) I look at the world through very dark, dirty glasses and I cannot see clearly, I cannot see hope and all I see is more pain, more struggle and if anyone tries to point out blessings in my life , I want to tell them in the most flowerful way to bugger off. I do not want to hear about how some things in my life might be blessings, I am not interested in the fact that others have it worse, I just want to be left alone to revel in my misery and pain. That is why it is not necessarily easy to focus away – I love feeling sorry for myself and hope others can see that my suffering is on a bigger scale than theirs . This is on the low rungs of the emotional scale when fear and depression are the most prominent emotions that govern my life. Getting out of that lane is a little like trying to connect to swim against the current – no matter how hard you try , it feels like a force is there bigger than you , keeping you there, you are overpowered by helplessness and mostly have no energy to lift yourself up.
- Breathe consciously for a few minutes several times during the day – breathe in through the nose and out through the nose, focusing on the bridge of the nose and for a few seconds at a time, allow yourself to drop off into something that feels like sleep, drop all thoughts and allow yourself for a few minutes to just be and tell yourself that for a minute it is Ok not to have any answers, you do not have to fix, solve or analyse anything – just breathe, feel the air moving in and out through the nose and let go of all thought. This is a mini meditation that allows you , if you can do it longer than 68 seconds, to shift into a new vibrations. The more you do it the more you are shifting your EMOTIONAL POSITIONING SYSTEM towards peace and soon your radar will be moving towards it automatically.
- BE AWARE – put a reminder in your phone – check in on your thoughts – do they feel good or bad – if bad , distract, if good, continue
- At night do a rampage of appreciation for anything that might have been good about your day.
- Get away from the NEWS, GOSSIP and other people’s problems – during this time, if you are vulnerable, stay away from friends who want to download their problems – you will do them a huge favour – they do not need you to compound their already low vibration – that is true friendship – remind them of what is great about their life , tell them how strong and brave and empowered they really are because that is the truth about them and if you can see it in them , you can see it in yourself.
- Surround yourself with good feeling things such as having a really good cup of coffee, a wonderful juice, listen to music you love and pat your pets- their unconditional love will reflect back to you.
- Invent rituals to help you focus on what you want – an altar with notes to remind you how wonderful your life might be , not a vision board that has unattainable goals on it but things of beauty and interest – your Higher Self already knows what it wants but seeing something that is out of reach and yearning for it brings you down on your vibration and not up. So just put pictures of funny sayings that make you laugh , gorgeous flowers, trees, nature scenes are much more uplifting than the home in the Bahamas that you know right now is almost impossible.
- At night, take time to breathe, relax and connect with loved ones , not focusing on their problems but pointing out positive aspects which help those around you be in a higher grid and make it easier for you to maintain your own good vibration. Stop judging and stop focusing and talking about your problems – they grow when you do that .
- Finally – sit back and instead of expecting any change, just relax and allow whatever comes your way to unfold and if things go a bit downhill, observe and look at it from a Solution oriented perspective and not from a problem mindset
Good luck and let me know how your 30 day vibrational clean up goes – NAMASTE I