After years of battling an unseen adversary in my body, I reached a stage where I

just wanted to give up. Anyone at the mercy of their hormones will know that

you have absolutely no recourse when the hormonal storms hit you – they do not

necessarily let you know when they start their onslaught in your blood and brain

and in fact, they really do not care that you might be a danger to the world when

they free fall and cause volcanic eruptions within you. My first real encounter

with these invisible foes was as a child – I suffered from severe panic anxiety

attacks and when the adrenalin pulsed through my body- I felt as if I could not

breathe, I held my heart terror stricken that it would leave my body and death

awaited me in a dark deep abyss that I felt I was pulled towards. I had no control

and all I felt was terror, panic and a sense that the world around me was in

chaos. I did not want to sleep at night, fearing that if I did, I would never awake.

The sweaty hands, the shortness of breath and the tightness and sometimes-even

pain in my chest together with waves of terror flooding every cell in my body

never lost its novelty. One would think that somewhere the mind would

understand, given that it has experienced the same thing over a thousand times,

that you are going to be ok – but when it comes to panic anxiety attacks, it feels

like you have never been here before. It took the road less travelled and

gathering many tools along the way to get to the point where I am today – but as

one reaches one destination, a new journey begins.

Then along comes PMS and it felt as if I was being cursed by some unknown evil

force that most definitely hated me and wanted to see me sad, unhappy and

depressed. I experienced strange melancholic feelings, had terrible dark

thoughts about my life, had bad dreams and physically the water retention, the

racing heart, the sore muscles, the tiredness and the generally overall feeling that

the world hated me and everyone was out to get me, made me feel alone and

overwhelmed. I looked at life from a doom and gloom perspective and felt

physically as if I walked around with 1 ton shackles around my ankles – I felt fat,

swollen and angry and looked for things and circumstances around me that

made me angry and sad. So my inner world would reflect perfectly what was on

the outside. This was the time friends ditched me, boyfriends did not like me and

I got shoved around in waiting lines by a cheery, confident person whom I knew

was just out to get me. I hated the world and myself at least for a week every

month for as long as I could remember – until I became aware and studied and

encountered this phenomenon in others later on in my life, I realized that I could

do something about it and it was just a hormonal imbalance that could be

rectified.

After the birth of your kids another friendly onslaught from the thyroid

hormones comes along and you lose your hair, you feel depressed and when you

think it must be a joke, the scales in the bathroom stop working – the springs

pop out, the crushing metal under your feet makes you realize that this is not a

nightmare – it is you standing on the wrong kind of machinery – the cattle scales

is what you should be putting in the bathroom – your skin loses its luster and

you feel more at home with the elephants – they do not even attack you when

you go on Safari in Africa – you look and feel like them. Your beauty sleep is

reduced to restless battles with yourself, you wake up exhausted and tired and it

becomes a drag even lifting one foot out of the bed. You think this is the end and

there is no way out – you give up trying to diet, the more you do it the more like

your friends in the wild you begin to look and finally you realize that you have to

make peace with it all – there is still so much time left in this world to fill with

meaningless tasks and somehow you get through the days – hope faintly lurks

somewhere in a very hidden corner of the mind but is very shy and you do not

often get to meet it – if feels just like the unicorns – you know they must have

existed but you have yet to meet one.

Then comes the big one – it is not just bad enough that you have to face the fact

that you are now moving to the dreaded two digit birthday starting with 5 and

ending in death but along comes another dark wave that feels like a tsunami

compared to the lapping waves of PMS. This is the real storm and as with any

massive storm of nature, you feel overwhelmed and helpless against this gale

force that sweeps you along without any mercy in its wake – your body slows

down, your heart races and you feel as if volcanoes erupt within your body, the

heat burning away any dignity you might have the audacity to have left over. I

suppose the idea of hot as hell starts making a lot more sense now, especially

now that your life is over and Lucifer is already sitting inside your soul, gleefully

clapping his bony hands while he fattens you up for his eternal fire feast a few

years on. You cant cope, overwhelment becomes a real word and now it all goes

wrong on the outside as well and for many this becomes a time of crises and in

this now meaningless world, many feel adrift, dissatisfied and life is just about

existence – Joy is a word that some asshole made up just to torture you – you

cannot remember its existence and most definitely have no recall of anything

resembling happiness, peace, laughter and freedom. In fact, you have little recall

of anything beyond the last 5 minutes. You are trapped in this Storm which is

relentlessly taking you to the hot but dark place of depression and disconnection

to the world.

Suddenly that glass of wine you loved for most of your life is cause for your kids

to call the fire brigade and the ambulance – your purple face and the real heat

waves is a danger to everyone around you and no one is certain if this is the first

sign of an apoplexy or self combustion – to be safe call 000. You grasp for hope

in the ever-enlightening world of the web but all you find are the 38 worst

symptoms of Menopause – have you read it? If you have, and have not

considered jumping off the Mornington Pier, you are very brave – 38 crappy

things to look forward to – WTF???

So how come we are still trying when we are so at mercy of some chemicals in

our bodies – I reckon it is what we are just programmed to do – no matter how

hard life is, how much you are challenged by your own inner world, there has to

be a way out. This is what I probably have spent my last 30 years trying to find –

it is a journey and this one has been fraught with a lot of danger and stress, but is

the idea of the destination that shoves us along – hope is always lurking there

somewhere and for me this journey has been one of finding peace no matter how

much I was sabotaged by my hormones. For most of my life I felt I had no control

but I know now that the inner world just reflected my thoughts – the chaos, the

fear, insecurity, anger and uncertainty was beautifully reflected from within and

all my gorgeous hormones – it was as if my hormones were a chemical

counterpart of my thoughts which then triggered the emotions, which then

triggered the hormones. Finally understanding it all I feel that the purpose of my

journey was to find better ways of being and yes, we have the tools today in

natural medicine to help resonate our imbalanced hormones and bring it into

harmony but there needs to be an accompanied shift in our emotional and

thought world – today I am starting a new experiment in eating solely for

hormonal balance – my emotions and thoughts are more under control than ever

– I am in the midst of an EMOTIONAL 30 day VIBRATIONAL CLEAN UP and that

has helped so much to find my way to a possible hormonal solution. I will keep

you updated as I go along and share my journey. Till next time – Namaste